January 31, 2019 1 Billion Orgasms (Documentary Review)
Has Dr. Evil finally worked out a way to defeat Austin Powers once and for all?
No, 1 Billion Orgasms is actually a Documentary. Directed by Brent Kinetz (Two Grey Hills 2001) in his feature-length debut, alongside Terence Mickey (See Memory 2016), it tells the story of engineer Aaron Headley who had majored in biomechanics, and even provided some work for NASA’s Curiosity rover and Roku boxes. Now he has a different goal – to get backing for his new watch-like device that, he hopes, will help women climax. If luck is on Headley’s side, his Squirt Watch will be responsible for granting 1 billion orgasms before he meets his maker. How did he get from sending machines into space to making a new brand of sex toy? What made him want to pursue this goal? Does his device even work? You can find out on Blu-ray and DVD as of Tuesday, February 5, 2019 via Gravitas Ventures. What can viewers expect?
Well, it is not literally 1 billion erotic peaks edited together. The Documentary aims for the grey matter than anywhere below the belt. If anything, they will learn more about the inventor than the invention, as it paints a fine picture about the kind of guy Headley is. The film starts off in Headley’s home, and chronicles his life story up to the present through photos, clippings, and home movie footage. He comes off as a rather typical middle-aged guy, albeit not without his quirks. Like writing a 200-page manuscript dedicated to his then-lover. There is being a dedicated partner, and then there is that. Headley explains the context behind it through the film, and reads excerpts from it, but it says something about the man himself.
It describes Headley as a more melancholic figure, possibly even going through a mid-life crisis. He is mulling over his life, thinking about how things could have gone differently, and going over the time he has left. So, part of his goal is to make an impact and go out with a bang, so to speak. Though it also goes over his influences, from his interest in Sci-Fi and Fantasy, to his father’s artworks and his family’s approach to tackling sex and sexuality. Their reasoning makes sense. It just says something about the film when it manages to make eyebrows raise before Headley even gets anywhere near his tools.
The little animations used to describe events in Headley’s life, along with his thoughts and feelings, add a little flavor to the proceedings. They usually involve a younger, slimmer Headley going through his experiences with a little black-and-white artistic license. Headley describes the G-spot orgasm as being akin to a reflex test, so the animation shows a tiny Headley tapping a giant, nude woman on her knee to make her kick as a demonstration. Or using an illustration of a snowy doorway with a little round porchlight to explain Headley’s G-spot stimulating technique.
It is certainly imaginative, though it is interesting how these chaste cartoons make something erotic seem more curious than clips from Headley’s instructional videos on the same technique. It does show him as a man who gets dedicated to a craft. Engineering led him to NASA. A lover led him into literature. Female masturbation led him to devise a way to make it more effective via the Squirt Watch. The film neither revels nor reviles in the places Headley’s journey leads them, but it records the highs, lows, and awkward middles all the same. The final act covering Headley’s marketing run at the Adult Video News Awards with spokesman Marcus London (Private Lessons 2011. Spartacus MMXII: The Beginning 2012) and Kat Palazzo starts off dry before wrapping back around to that melancholic feeling at the start.
So, despite the topic and title, 1 Billion Orgasms is not a fancy-free look at eroticism. It is more a human tale about success and failure, as one man tries to keep his side business afloat. The film is technically sound, despite a few spelling errors, with each scene flowing effectively into the next. Yet, while it answers some questions, some remain. They do not ask London directly how he got involved with Headley, and the viewers do not get his former wives’ views on his past relationships.
Not all stones can be turned over, but it does lead to one question that is left for each viewer to ponder for themselves; how should they feel about Headley? He is not a devil, as the film displays many positives about him. He cares for his family, which he raises by himself, and he has honest intentions. Yet, he does not come off as a saint either. He is all too human, and comes with many complications. Despite its artistic flourishes, this is one to watch with a sober mindset. Thus, for these reasons, Cryptic Rock gives 1 Billion Orgasm 3.5 out of 5 stars.