May 29, 2020 Girls Just Wanna Have Blood (Movie Review)
Out on Tuesday, May 26th through Wild Eye Releasing comes the latest addition to the vampire subgenre of Horror with the Horror-Comedy, Girls Just Wanna Have Blood. Directed by Anthony Catanese (Sodomaniac 2015, Hi-Death 2018), yes, the film is as ridiculous as the title sounds. While its original title, Teenage Bloodsucking Bimbos, might be a better depiction the content, it is definitely a movie that does not take itself seriously… so the audience should not either.
The film focuses on Jessica (Amanda Renee: Sodomaniac 2015, Hi-Death 2018), a social outcast that is thrust into a world of bloodsucking nightly romps after being adopted by this trio of vampires. Her father is nowhere to be seen and her mother (Bettina Skye: Limitless series, Approaching the Unknown 2016) is a prostitute that frequents a local biker bar. Not the best of situations, her mom bringing home many questionable conquests, leaving Jessica to fend for herself and take care of her baby brother.
Then, one night, Jessica bumps into our vampire gang – Trish (Destyne Marshai: 3: The New Normal 2016, Drea 2016), April (Penny Praline: Hi-Death 2018), and Stacy (Gigi Gustin: The Springfield Three 2019, Bulge Bracket 2020). They stand up to the film’s stereotypical mean girl Val (Chrissy Cavallo: The Reunion 2011, The Velvet Elvis 2012) who spouts some famous one-liners, cleverly calling Jessica her beloved nickname “Jessi-cunt.”
From here Jessica is taken under the vampires’ wings, as they remind Jessica of her forgotten youth, treating her to all-night binges and sleepovers. However, it all comes to a screeching halt when they decide to play a prank on Val and her lackies, leaving them with their necks ripped out, leaving Jessica drunkenly trying to piece together what she just witnessed.
As aforementioned, this is a film that does not take itself seriously. In fact, it opens with our vampires trying to seduce a man into buying them alcohol before luring him back to their motel room. After teasing him with a drunken good time, one of the vampire’s bites into his private before the other two follow suit, tearing into his neck. This scene sets the tone for the debauchery and sleaze that is about to take place.
Aide from that, there is no real substance to this film. For starts, the plot is all over the place and they never touch on the vampire’s mythos; this is aside from a few off-the-wall comments about them “missing castles” and explaining their distaste for not being able to take selfies.
There is also an off-brand Van Helsing-type character that has been hunting the vampire trio for years. This serves to offer some form of help to the storyline, but doesn’t really do much. Then there is the mullet-wearing drunk that lives near Jessica trying to offer some insight by showing her a vampire porn as the answer to her problems. Oddly enough, even he ends up being more helpful than the actual vampire slayer.
Overall, Girls Just Wanna Have Blood is disjointed, sleazy, and makes no sense, but honestly, that might be the point? This is a film that knows exactly what it is, and it plays on that fact till the very end. It’s reminiscent of Slasher films from the ’80s full of gratuitous boobs and blood for no other reason than for entertainment value. That in mind, the dialogue is actually kind of clever, making the film pretty hilarious. From Val discussing her “holy hole” and how anal is totally with the Lord, April hooking up with Colonel Sanders, and the witty one-liners, Girls Just Wanna Have Blood has got some solid humor. If you are a fan of outlandish underground Horror Comedies, this is the film for you. That is why Cryptic Rock gives Girls Just Wanna Have Blood 2.5 out of 5 stars.