Suite 313 (Movie Review)

A 911 call leads to a horrifying labyrinth of terror in Suite 313, which arrived to DVD on Tuesday, May 22, 2018, thanks to Bayview Entertainment and Widowmaker Films.

Panicked Sandra (Jade Matthew: Judy 2014, EastEnders series) dials 911 from Facility 56 on Element Street, a large, nondescript building owned by the Lumen Corporation, known for their secretive research and government subversion. Once inside the building, Agent Connor (Roland Stone: Fallen Soldiers 2015, Killer Doctors on Death Row series) begins what should be a routine 911 follow-up, but quickly becomes a journey into the supernaturally bizarre. Inside suite 313, raw, bloody meat, demonic religious paintings and severed heads are only some of the highlights of Connor’s visit, which almost instantly turns into an all-out fight for survival. Led through the maze by the voice of Sandra, Connor struggles to make his exit before everything falls to Hell.

Suite 313 still.

Clocking in at 63 minutes in-length, Suite 313 is a directorial debut for Aaron Pederis, and was written by Pederis along with Giulio De Santi (Hotel Inferno 2013, The Mildew from Planet Xonader 2015) and Tiziana Machella (Infidus 2015, Hotel Inferno 2: The Cathedral of Pain 2017). Included in the DVD package is a bonus soundtrack CD, chock-full of the film’s electronically fuzzy score.

A 911 call leads to a horrifying labyrinth of terror in Suite 313, or does it? While the film is billed as a Horror film with Action elements, it plays out (and looks) more like a video game where viewers are hopelessly deadlocked into a downward spiral that is completely and utterly boring. Throughout the entirety of the film, all we ever really see of Agent Connor is the back of his head, clad in a helmet.

Suite 313

Connor is in fact portrayed by two individuals: Stone, as the voice of the character, and Mario Sarri, as the physical manifestation of the agent. Thus, while we continuously hear an overdubbed voice from Stone, we never see more than Sarri’s hands. As the voice of Connor, Stone does a great Kristen Stewart impersonation, sounding equally monotone whether freaking out or remaining entirely calm. Ultimately, the character’s largest reactions are cuss words or such inspiring dialogue as “You’re dead, bitch!”

The evils located within the labyrinthine walls of the Lumen Corp building are supposed to be human experiments gone horribly wrong, though that does not exactly translate. Here, there is a topless old man who breathes like Darth Vader and possesses a partial robot face, a back-crawling nun, and a demonic spirit. While little old men can be frightening, sure, this one is not, even when the lights flash repeatedly to try and make him seem more ominous. For her part, the nun is actually an attractive woman, while the demon looks like the lead singer of your favorite Black Metal band. Plus, the bulk of the blood, guts, and explosions here are done in low-level CGI, creating a film with obviously fake splashes here and there that contribute nothing by way of horrors or thrills.

Suite 313 still. 

There are moments where the screen goes entirely black, moments where there is not a drop of sound, and a multitude of repetitive, pointless dialogue. Truly, Suite 313 is the back of a helmet-clad head wandering maze-like hallways in a decidedly nondescript, old building. It plays out like a video game that would make a speed freak high on Monster sleepy, leaving utterly nothing by way of scares, not a single tension-filled moment. For these reasons, CrypticRock give Suite 313 1 of 5 stars.

Bayview Entertainment

Purchase Suite 313:
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Jeannie BlueAuthor posts

Jeannie likes to joke that she is little, yellow, blue, and different. She seemingly popped out of her mother's womb with a pen in her hand and has been writing ever since. Many moons ago - in what feels like a separate lifetime - Jean was co-editor of an online music magazine that afforded her great opportunities to interview and photograph some of her favorite bands/musicians: Tommy Lee, Good Charlotte, Warrant, Bring Me The Horizon, My Chemical Romance, Sevendust, New Found Glory, Deftones, Poison, VH-1 "Band On the Run" Flickerstick, an endless list of unsigned locals, and so many others. These days, she can usually be found hiking aimlessly through the woods in her favorite Technicolor sneakers with a Nikon in hand and her rescue dog, Molly, who is a bit hare-brained.

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