Oh, Valentine’s Day! Sweet chocolate, teddy bears, and ‘doing’ your beloved doggy-style in the woods! Just in time for the annual day of romance comes Don’t Fuck in the Woods, a brand new Horror offering which first premiered at FEARNYC back in 2016, but now makes its way to Blu-ray and DVD on Tuesday, February 13, 2018 thanks to Gravitas Ventures.
In Don’t Fuck in the Woods, a motley cast of characters head out into the woods to escape the stressors of life. First there are Jane (Brittany Blanton: Dolly Deadly 2 2017, Failing Grace 2018) and Alex (Ayse Howard: Bludgeon 2013, 60 Seconds 2 Die: 60 Seconds 2 Die 2 2016), a couple who need some relief from their everyday, college lives.
They are joined by another couple – Conor (Brian Cornell in his acting debut) and Lacey (Nadia White: MILFs vs. Zombies 2015, Return to Return to Nuke ‘Em High AKA Vol 2 2017) – along with single Parker (Hannah Herdt: Don’t Go to the Reunion 2013, Snakes and Ladders 2016), who proudly dons her “Chicks Dig Horror Flicks” shirt for the occasion. Then there is perpetual pervert Mac (Roman Jossart: The Campground 2013, Scream for Summer 2017), along for the ride and, hopefully, some sex. Of course when the group runs out of seating space inside their SUV, Mac and his needy man-parts are forced to ride in the trunk.
Upon arriving to their camp site, the group quickly realize that their friend Meg (Brandy Mason: Plan 9 2015, Rednecks 2017) and her boyfriend Luke (Scott Gillespie: Bludgeon 2013, A Shameless Revenge 2013) are missing. Assuming that the pair are simply off in the woods ‘getting back to nature,’ the group proceed with pitching tents (ahem), putting on bikini tops, drinking, smoking weed, and playing Truth or Dare over the campfire. As the trip progresses, however, their group of six will begin to dwindle due to a mysterious presence in the woods that seems to hunger for lusty genitals.
Clocking in at 73 minutes in-length, Don’t Fuck in the Woods was written and directed by Ohio Filmmaker Shawn Burkett (The Sleeping Soul 2012, Betsy 2017), and additionally stars Kayla Stone (Campeon: Journey of Dreams 2009, The Campground 2013) and Deryk Wehrley (Zombie Punk Attack short 2011, The Lamb short 2016). It is interesting to note that, despite its 73-minute runtime, this film – which was shot in Ohio – is actually only an hour. The additional 13 minutes are full of credits, some fun behind-the-scenes bloopers, and one final scene that cues us into the fact that, yes, there is a sequel (Don’t Fuck in the Woods 2) in pre-production.
No shock here, Don’t Fuck in the Woods is unrated but should be considered a hard TV-MA/R as it “contains blood, boobs, gore, genitalia, and more!” Yet, while this warning would tend to shrug off teen viewers, the dialogue is worthy of the age group with talk of “magnum dongs,” tits, fisting, eating pussy, and other such pertinent topics. There is an implied blowjob, some sex, and tons of bouncing boobs. Enjoy!
Don’t Fuck in the Woods combines the Creature Feature with the Survivalist Horror schtick of terror in the forest. Unfortunately, the creature here (played by Gillespie) looks like Swamp Thing meets the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, which is to say that he is not scary in the least. The mask/head of the creature shows some creativity, but the body could definitely use some work, which is fine. This is not intended to be a jump-scare-fest that leaves your heart racing; instead, this is a film that looks to revel in the grade-B, cheesy T&A fests of yesteryear with hopes of rekindling the Scream Queens of our youth.
None of the characters are ever developed enough for us to care about them much, which is fine: Don’t Fuck in the Woods is not that kind of flick. What with the overall bland acting from its cast, there is never any spark that makes any of these characters worth caring much about. From always scowling Lacey to the walking hornball Mac, they are all just cannon fodder: existing to be destroyed with creative gore. The best of the lot, as far as acting skills, is Blanton as Jane, as she receives the most character and, in turn, the most screen-time. She is a tattooed badass with a pinch of Katniss Everdeen in her, and absolutely shows potential for a future in Horror. Could she be the next Scream Queen?
So, what is great about Don’t Fuck in the Woods? Well, for their soundtrack they employ several (largely Metalcore) bands – Ohio’s Eyes On Orion and Eternal Void, Washington’s Concrete Grip, and Idaho’s Moretta – which crafts a wonderfully Metal atmosphere to complement the, ahem, scenery. The band that scores the opening credit sequence are actually stellar, sounding like an old-school Cane Hill. Additionally, the film’s blooper reel is fun, offering viewers a glance into this fun-loving cast and crew who you cannot help but appreciate, if you appreciate their hijinks.
There is really no point in over-dissecting Don’t Fuck in the Woods. Instead, take it for what it is: boobs (literal and figurative) running through the woods. It is light-hearted (dare we say bouncy?), it has some fun moments, and it is completely grade-D! Break out the popcorn and pitch a tent in the living room, CrypticRock give Don’t Fuck in the Woods 2.5 of 5 stars.
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